


Therapeutic Chain of Events

by tmialec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst and Feels, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Cancer, Coming Out, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Magnus Bane, Self-Acceptance, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-08 19:14:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10394190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmialec/pseuds/tmialec
Summary: Alec Lightwood spent his whole life fighting battles. Emotional battles, family battles, and most prominently, battling a rare form of leukemia. With his his own body attacking him, he began to believe there was no point in fighting anymore. That was of course until his new nurse gave him a reason to fight again.





	1. Blinding Light

Fluorescent lighting and the intoxicating scent of disinfectant has been something that Alec had grown accustomed to. He’d spent the last seven years of his life in and out of different hospitals all across New York. Rarely was there a week that he hadn’t had to go through a new treatment plan, or go through a series of rigorous testing that was always deemed unnecessary in his eyes. The chemotherapy and radiation and the immense amount of pills he’d have to swallow were seriously taking a toll on his body. 

His body wasn’t the only thing that was falling apart. With the news of his father’s affair, his family had been in shambles as well. There was a split between not only his parents, but his siblings as well. Izzy on Robert’s side, and Jace on Maryse’s. Max and Alec were left stuck in the middle. Max was far too young to have an opinion on the matter, and Alec was far more concerned with his own issues, rather than dwelling on his parent’s relationship problems. 

Sadly, this whole situation did end up affecting Alec. With his parent’s filing for divorce, and his siblings fighting, they came and visited less and less often each week. This didn’t come as such a huge shock to Alec. He was 20 years old now, he couldn't expect them to all give up the rest of their lives for him. His siblings, unlike himself, had a future to look forward to. Why should Alec’s own tribulation ruin the lives of others. He’s already accumulated enormous stacks of hospital bills that’ll keep his family in debt until they’re lying on their deathbed, he didn’t want to burden the family anymore than he already had.

Alec wasn’t given the chance at a normal life growing up. He was diagnosed at 13 and rarely got to leave the hospital. But it wasn’t like he even wanted to leave in the first place. He remembers going back to school for the first time after his first round of chemotherapy, when not a single person was kind to him. No one wanted to befriend the pale bald-headed boy. Jace and Izzy were kind enough to sit with him during lunch, but even in their younger years, it was considered social suicide to sit with the lower classmen. Luckily for Alec, this didn’t last very long and he transferred to online schooling. This was the best option for everyone, seeing as his condition had only worsened, and by the age of 15, he was required around-the-clock care.

Alec’s only frequent visitors were his family, and his doctors - who he had considered family as well. Alec didn’t have friends to come sit by his bedside and end his insufferable boredom. The only friends he had were the other cancer kids (as he liked to call them) he had met from his support group. 

But as the years went on, new faces joined, while familiar faces left. In fact, no one from his first day was there anymore. He liked to believe that they were no longer in attendance because they were now cancer free, but he new too well that of course that wasn’t the case for everyone. In these support groups, Alec wasn’t much of the participant type. He never saw the point. 

Although, a certain someone did have him coming back for more. When Alec was 16, after being dragged to yet another meeting by his mother, he had been introduced to another unfamiliar face. The boy still had a full head of chestnut colored hair, and bold eyes to match. He was tall, with a muscular build, and olive colored skin that glistened in the fluorescent lighting. Alec became intrigued by the boys appearance, and began to feel a strong attraction towards him. These feelings were very new to Alec, and he didn’t understand why he was feeling these things for a boy. He knew what it meant, but he didn’t want to accept it. He thought that maybe the cancer had spread to his brain.

As the months progressed, Alec found himself constantly staring at the boy, getting lost in his eyes and forgetting where he was and what he was doing. He was so easily hypnotized by the sight of the boy. He had sudden urges to attack him with a kiss. His lips were one of his favorite features.

It wasn’t until right before he turned 17 that he’d decided to talk to the boy. His name was Skylar. Alec wasn’t sure if it was his confidence that was lunging himself in his direction, or the abundance of pain meds coursing through his system, giving him a faulty sense of reality. More than likely it was the medication, seeing as he was heavily flirting with Skylar, catching the attention of some of the other bystanders. But soon Alec had felt the feeling of true confidence when he began flirting back.

Skylar’s hair was no longer full of length and volume, and his eyes had lost their original gleam, but to Alec he was still beautiful. In the span of only a few weeks, their relationship had developed into something more than just the budding friendship and mutual attraction it had began with. On the eve of Alec’s 17th birthday, Skylar had greeted the other in his room. 

“Happy almost birthday champ, got any plans for tomorrow?” He asked. Alec and Skylar had been spending a lot of time together in the recent weeks. They were getting to know each other quite well and they found serenity in each others presence. It was nice being able to have a face to see everyday that wasn’t his family or someone coming in to shove a needle in his arm.

“No plans, my parents are on a business trip and won’t be here, and my siblings are staying with my grandparents and can’t come visit,” Alec explained. He wasn’t upset by that fact. He knew that his parents were barely scraping by so they had to jump on every opportunity to gain extra cash. Plus, he stopped enjoying his birthdays after his diagnosis. The thought of ‘will this be my last one’ was always in his mind, and he didn’t like thinking about his death. “But I’m glad you’re here at least.”

That was when Skylar kissed him. It was gentle and slow. Alec was filled with warmth and kissed back softly. The kiss was short lived but wonderful nonetheless. That was Alec’s first kiss, and just shortly after, he was greeted with his second. This time more passionate and lustful. Alec couldn’t help but smile through the kiss. For a moment, Alec was able for forget about all his problems. For a second he was the healthy, happy boy he used to be, and it was the best feeling in the world.

That was just the beginning. Alec and Skylar quickly fell in love and had the secret romance that you would only see in the movies. The story of the two teens battling cancer who fell in love with one another, and had an epic secret relationship. But sadly, this story had a tragic ending. 

It was a dark November evening. The sky was clear and the stars were visible to the heavens. Skylar was in surgery to have a tumor removed from his abdomen, and if all went according to plan, he would be deemed cancer free. But when Alec went to his room the next day and saw his parents packing up his stuff, tears streaming ever so slowly down their faces, his heart sunk to his stomach. 

Skylar bled out on the table.

That was Alec’s first ever loss, and his first ever love. He was falling apart at the seams, unknowing of how to cope with his grief. Nobody knew of the two’s relationship other than Skylar’s sister Lydia and a few nurses who had caught them. That was until Izzy walked in on him a few weeks later having a full fledged panic attack. Izzy was already partially aware of Alec’s attraction towards boys, having confronted him about his feelings for Jace when they were younger. He had run out of options on how to deal with this excruciating pain he was feeling, and he just had to tell somebody, anybody.

Izzy was more than supportive, overbearing to say the least. He never told another soul. He preferred to stay closeted, opposed to coming out as Izzy wished he would. But she never pushed, and he liked having this little secret between the two of them. Somehow his loss had brought them closer together.

But that was then. Now Alec is an adult, watching the last of his days tick by on the clock just above the door in his hospital room. He stopped going to support group and spent each day by himself, trying his best to bury himself in schoolwork to distract from everything going on beyond the walls of this room. Nothing exciting ever happened. The most exciting thing was when he got pudding in his lunch, but that was about it. 

A soft knock came through the door “Are you decent?” He heard an unfamiliar voice on the other side ask.

“Yes, come in.” The man who walked through the door was new. Dressed in fuchsia scrubs, a stethoscope around his neck and carrying a blood pressure cuff . His hair was spiked up, streaks of blonde mixing with the black. His eyes were a deep brown, lined with eyeliner and a glittery shadow on his lids. 

“Hello there, Alexander. I am Magnus Bane, and I’m your new nurse,” the man said. He wasn’t used to hearing his full name like that, but he liked the way it sounded coming out of his mouth. His old nurse, Nadine, had just retired, so Magnus’ presence shouldn’t have come as such a shock to him. “I’m just going to take your blood pressure real quick and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

Alec nodded and brought his right arm up and rested it on the table in front of him. He slipped the cuff over his arm and quickly took his blood pressure. “120/80, let’s keep it that way. Don’t stress yourself out too much or you’ll be hearing it from me later.” he said playfully with a slight chuckle to follow. He walked his way to the door, his visit short like promised, but he stopped halfway. “Alexander, do you have a nickname you’d rather me address you by per chance?” 

“I normally go by Alec, but Alexander is fine as well.”

Magnus showed a toothless smile. “Well then, Alexander, have a great rest of your day.”

“You too Mr. Bane” he said as he opened the door to leave, but he stopped at those words.

“Please, call me Magnus.” he said as he shut the door, leaving Alec without a chance to reply.

Magnus was interesting to Alec. Something sparked inside Alec immediately as he entered the room. Maybe life in the hospital wasn’t going to be so dull after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so this is an idea I've had for a while now and I finally started it so, yeah, I hope you like it and I'm sorry for any mistakes!!


	2. Just Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's current mental state isn't where it should be. They told him to keep fighting, but he couldn't figure out why that was so hard for him to do.

“You qualified for the new drug trial, you should be excited,” exclaimed his brother. He should be excited, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that it would just fail like all the others. What was this, trial number 17? Seven years with the disease and all his doctors have managed to do was keep him breathing. Sometimes he wished they’d just pull the plug already. “I know what you’re thinking.”

“Oh do you now?” Alec asked sarcastically. He definitely wasn’t in a good mood, so his sarcasm was justified. He somehow managed to catch the flu, and with his almost non-existent immune system, he felt like the human embodiment of death. He couldn’t keep a single thing in his system for longer than a couple hours at most.

“Alec, you’ve gotta keep fighting. I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like to be in your shoes, but I know you. And I know that you have the strength inside of you to win this,” He’d heard that speech too many times to count, but it was meaningful every time. But Alec never truly believed it. He didn’t feel strong, he felt weak. The only thing that kept him going on this long was the support of his family, and even that was beginning to disappear. His family was falling apart faster than Alec’s body could handle. Alec sighed and bowed his head. “Hey, if you need another incentive, it’s fucking nanobots, how can you turn that down?”

Alec chuckled at that. He wasn’t going to turn it down, because deep down inside of him, he wanted to live. But he could never shake the thought of how much easier it would be for everyone if he just stopped existing. There was a time in his life when he would’ve just ended it all without a second thought. He was destined to die anyway, why not just get it over with right?

Although he wasn’t suicidal, he was far from okay. All he wanted was to sleep. It was amazing to him how he could just close his eyes and everything in the outside world was irrelevant. He could dream up a perfect world where he could live the way he wanted to live. He wanted a white picket fence kind of life. Simple, but perfect in all the right ways. He wanted a family. He wanted to get married and grow old with them. He wanted to experience all of it, but how could he? He knew his fate.

Jace shifted Alec’s beanie and exited his room, leaving Alec in the silence he was used to. His thoughts always seemed more violent when associated with silence. He would think about why him? Was this punishment? Or was it just a cruel joke? He didn’t know why he had been born with the worst genetic makeup possible.

Being alone was easier for him though. Alec always had anxiety. Even when he was little, he couldn’t find it in himself to order food at a restaurant, ask one of the many neighborhood kids to play, or even ask his teachers for help out of fear of judgement and ridicule. It was the little things that bothered him. He found himself analyzing every single thing he said in a conversation. _Was what I said stupid? Did I say something offensive? They must hate me now. Why did I say that?_ The feeling could only be described as feeling like you were being pulled under water, with no way to get to the surface to finally breathe.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard a knock on the door.

“Come in,” Alec called. In walks Magnus in that same clothes from yesterday, but this time, his eyes sporting a purple shadow. Alec also noticed a silver earcuff he didn’t remember seeing before. It reflected the light from the ceiling directly to Alec’s eye. It’s shine was nearly blinding.  
“I came to check in. Heard you caught the flu that’s been going around,” Alec coughed up a lung as he was talking. He’d almost forgotten he was even sick while he was stuck in his mind. “How are you feeling, champ?”

Alec froze.

_“I love you, champ.”_

All of a sudden he couldn’t breathe. Only Skylar called him champ. He could feel his heart pounding through his chest, ready to explode. He was shaking rapidly and began to feel dizzy and lightheaded. He hadn’t had a panic attack like this in a while now. He clutched his chest tightly and tried his best to breathe. But he was unsuccessful.

“Alec! Breathe for me please,” Magnus said as he rushed toward the panicking man and gently rubbed circles into his back. “Do it with me. In and out, in and out.” He said as he demonstrated. He grabbed hold of Alec’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “I’m right here darling, just try to calm down for me, okay?” Alec managed to take in short, shaky breaths, tears beginning to fall from his face uncontrollably. “There you go, just like that. You’re doing such a good job.” Magnus said soothingly as he wiped away the tears from Alec’s eyes.

Images of Skylar flashed through his mind. Causing his breathing to worsen again. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to make it all stop. Make it stop, make it stop make it stop!

"Concentrate on your breathing, Alexander. Stay in the present." He said as he squeezed his hand tighter. “Squeeze my hand Alec, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I know you’re scared but you’ll get through this just breathe for me.” He managed to catch his breath again, this time, managing to form deep breaths. “That’s it! I am so proud of you.”

After a few more minutes of that, he was able to breathe normally and he could finally differentiate reality from his own thoughts. “Th-thank you” He mustered out in between breaths.

Magnus sighed and pulled Alec into a gentle hug. “Are you okay, Alec?” He asked after releasing from the embrace. He couldn’t find it in himself to lie, so he just shook his head. He looked up to see Magnus with sad eyes. “Do you want to talk about it?” He just shook his head again.

“I don’t think I can.”

“That’s okay. Just know, if you ever want to talk about anything, I’m right here,” He said, finally releasing Alec’s hand. “Can I get you anything?”  
“No thanks, I’m fine.” He wasn’t _fine._

Magnus could tell he was lying anyway, but he still didn’t push. “Okay, Alexander. Feel better.” He said, sending him a sympathetic look.

He left before Alec could thank him again. Maybe Alec wasn’t fine, but something inside made him feel that maybe he would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is just a more detailed description of Alec's mental state. Sorry these first few chapters are just going to be a bunch of backstory vomit, but we'll eventually get to some sort of plot haha. Sorry for any mistakes and thanks for reading :)


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